I Am Going to Die...

...Some day. Don’t worry everyone, I feel perfectly good (although my shoes are a bit tight) but when you get to be 84, you realize that you only have another good 30 or 40 years left. And that gives you great pause, in which time you think of many things like

• Did I live a good life?
• Can dogs be trusted?
• Who’s that man? I haven’t seen him in the neighborhood before.

So I thought that maybe perhaps it was time to start thinking about funeral planning and to share those thoughts with acquaintances since 4 decades can really sneak up on you.

Size:
I would like to have a big funeral where everybody is sad that I’m dead and there are lots of acquaintances curious to see what my body looks like one more time.

Shrine:
I insist that there be a shrine of all the pictures of me that weren’t clawed up in the bear attack that took my life. Should that be all how of which it goes down. Candles should be burned liberally and constantly for three days, but kept a respectable distance from the photographs, except the metal ones, in which case, heating them is fine.

The Viewing:
There will be a whole silver motif going on. My casket must be silver or wood coated with silver laminate. I will lowered into it, dressed in a silver sequined suit. Silver tears must be painted on my eyes and I would like some face painting done as well—perhaps a squirrel or a rainbow balloon. I don’t know how it would be worked, but I would like people to be able to rotate my head at their own will, perhaps with a system of pulleys or something, so that they can see the back of my head and how nicely shaped it is. I will get my hair done up in a fashion that does not negate the natural angles of the back of my head.

Minister:
I would like a minister of every faith and sect just to make sure I’m good to go. They can take turns leading the service. They can either switch off section by section, sentence by sentence, or word by word or just have them speak all at once. Any aforablementioned option is good with me, provided that the speaking part not run longer than 4 hours.

Readings:
A poem must be read that will sound deep and cause any sort of confusion.

Desserts:
There will be a cake with roses on top, tastefully done up. No spiders please.

Flower girl:
She must be a 6-year-old Asian girl in a pink dress (I will provide the sewing pattern and material), and I would like her to weigh 52 pounds, although I am flexible on that last part.

Groom:
Between the ages of 35-50.

Circumcision:
N/A

Cremation:
I would then like to be set ablaze with a cigarette in my mouth for comic effect to remind people that I believed in humor and also that I smoked.

Cost:
I would like to spend no more than $26 Canadian.

Dancing With Gentlemen

Inspired by the events of which unfolded in front of me at the Pickle Sausage Basket Cheese Festivalathon from a week ago, I have been finding myself reeling in starstruck dizzyness, and feel I must get back on my feet to pursue my dream of which is of becoming a dancer of which. The children of Lawndale Elementary really inspired me to believe that the children are the future... of dance.

To be a dancer, you must have 8 items, traits, and personabilities: (1) grace, (2) persona, (3) good inner-ear modulation, (4) hands that can stick straight downwards, (5) toeless shoes, (6) a big hat to capture the audiences attention and dreams, (7) people skills, and (8) a knowledge of dance steps and animal life. Thankfully I have 7 out of the 8 things above, so I am well on my way to becoming an all well and good ballet dancer. Once my hissing, spitting ear is cleared up, I'll be as right as a rainmaker.

So I bought an ear enema kit and I kindly called for ballet lessons. To ensure my homeland security and that quality customer service is received and had by all, I have recorded the phone call and you can play it now in case I ever need witnesses in court, you will be the one. The phone call is below.

Alright, honey. Bye-bye.

Press play on the player below to hear the phone call.

A Time To Remember - The 2nd Annual Sausage Pickle Basket Convention

I am just happily returned after a week-long trip to the Pickle Sausage Basket Convention at Lawdale Elementary School in Horosburg, Virginia. The is the second of some such convention of which that I have attended, although I have been an appreciator of both sausage and pickles and also of cheese baskets for many years and have given them exclusively as gifts for the past times to friends of mine and family too.

I don’t like to bother other people, so I keep to myself mainly. Thusforth I wouldn’t say I met many new acquaintances, but I did get to fraternize and matronize with many former acquaintances, none of whom remembered me until I showed them my back scar.

The convention began when a bell was rung in the dining hall to tell us all to come closer because there was something the man ringing the bell wanted to say. By the time I was close enough to hear him he had finished speaking, but I surmised that he said “Welcome to the Pickle Sausage Basket Convention. Mill about if you will.”

There was much to see. The world’s second pickle sausage basket (circa 1809) was on display in the principal’s office at the elementary school where the convention was held. It was a sight to see, which is for sure. I wanted to post my pictures, but when I tape the pictures to my computer screen, friends have told me they are still unable to view them. So that will have to wait until the windows man gets back to me.

In the nurse’s station we saw a demonstration of how sausage pickle baskets are put together. It was interesting to see the sausages and pickles and cheeses and some crackers and artificial greeneries in the state that they are in before being compiled into a sausage pickle basket. Many of us had questions of which to ask that took us well into the night.

On day two, we were shown a filmstrip on the history of pickle sausage baskets in the janitor’s closet. The airconditioning in the auditorium was not working well, and the large fans were too loud, so I missed a lot of it, but here is what I picked up on the rich history:

(1) God created man.
(2) Man invented sausage.
(3) Man invented cheese.
(4) Man invented pickles.
(5) Man tied food together with a string.
(6) String-tied pickle/sausage/cheese bundles damaged the food products.
(7) Man invented baskets.
(8) Man put food products in the baskets.
(9) God created woman.

It was very fascinating and had me all attentive until I nodded off and woke up hours on the soccer field out behind the baseball diamond.

On day three we sampled sausage pickle baskets from all over the world in the cafeteria. My favorites were the ones from the Ukraine and the Greek Islands.

On day four we had a bathroom break.

On day five we were treated to a lovely performance by the Lawndale Elementary Players who wrote a special play just for the occasion. I couldn’t hear most of it because the man with the hat was talking my ear off that smoking was not allowed in the Pembrook Auditorium. But I applauded at the end anyway. I thought perhaps I could be a part of the show next year, as I have always wanted to dance. I may think about getting dance lessons sometime soon.

On day six I was back home writing this blog entry. If want to read what I wrote, start over at the beginning of this entry.

Regrettably Hypnotized

I have for the last 5 days and a couple hours have had quite a nerve-wracking week. A stage hypnotist has altered the weekly routine that had worked so well for me for the past many years. On Friday I was at a birthday party to celebrate the annual aging of an acquaintance and I was elected by the crowd to appear on stage with a hypnotism man who was on stage making jokes and singing songs and putting coins in his mouth to hide them from me. I thought hypnotism would be interesting and hoped it would get me in touch with my inner void so I could mine it for my history.

Unfortunately, the outcome was not made in this fashion. I don’t remember my time on stage, but I believe I was made to do harmful things because for the last week, anytime I pass a wooden door, I involuntarily bang my head on it. This has caused some additional confusion in my latest week. After five days of this numblesuch, I thought it best to contact a professional hypnotizer man to help out. As always, I recorded the call to ensure customer service was being had by me, and also for purposes to protect my homeland security. If your ears are not faulty, you can hear the occasional bang on a door as I pound my head on it.

Alright, honey. Bye bye.

Press play on the player below to hear the phone call.

Computer Window, part 2

I am starting to get very alarmed about not hearing back from the windows man about installing a small window in my computer. I still haven't heard back from the first windows man I wrote to, so early today I did send another email to a different window man. I thought maybe I was too wordy for window man 1 and that maybe he has all sorts of other things to do than provide good customer service. I'm afraid to report that windows man 2 has also not responded vis a vis. Upon returning home from my meander in the park, I sent another email to him.

Not having had heard back from both concerns me as I am accustomed to quality servicemen, and perhaps these are not two of them. My back is beginning to get itchy and red with worry. I will print the two emails I sent to the second windows man below:

Last night I wrote:

Dear sirs:

Who can I email with my questions about Windows installation please? i have many questions about it and am anxious to get started. Thank you.

When I did not hear back today, I sent this follow-up message...

To whom it may concern:

It has been very long since my first email. Please tell me the email of a man to which of whom I can contact about installing windows. I am starting to feel nervous about this and I'm not sure who can be trusted.

Sincerely,
Miss Fairwell

Hopefully this is just a minor misunderstanding with gentlemen and they will be forthright and prompt in their response to clear up this tempest in a tea kettle to which I will happily receive.

Alright honey, bye bye.

Computer Window

As my faithful readers will know, I am very new to a computer. I know this blog makes me sound as if an expert in what I know, but each post takes me many an hour to post, what with grammaticals and what with all the hyperlinks for me to click on when I post. There are many questions that I have for how to do certain things, like is it possible to make my computer my only appliance. Can I wash my dishes and store food in it somehow? I know I don't have the capability now, but perhaps there is a “patch” that will make it better? I have no idea about these things.

I called a computer man to ask him for help, but the first thing he wanted to know was “Does your computer have windows or is it an apple?” This was confusing to me, because I know I’m not using an apple to type, so I deduced that this was a joke. But upon closer inspection of my computer, there are also no windows on my computer. I told this to the man on the phone and he said I would first need to have windows on my computer in order to make it work properly.

So now I am in contact with a window installation man. His ad promised “Low Cost Quality Window & Siding Installation,” and since I need low cost I went with him. Now that I am in the computer world, I will contact him by email. I will use the big letters in my email so they know I am serious and mean business. All my correspondence will be preserved and presented here to ensure I’m getting quality customer service. I will keep you updated on any response so you can be a witness that good customer service is being had. I will keep you updated when I hear back from them.

From: Madge Fairwell
To: Service@window...
Date: Aug 13, 2007, 8:49 AM Subject: Windows Installation

DEAR SIRS:

I HAVE A PROBLEM FOR YOUR HELP. A WEEK AGO MY FRIEND SOPHIE DIED UNEXPECTEDLY WHEN SHE TRAGICALLY BREATHED TOO FAST AND LEFT ME A COMPUTER IN HER STEAD WHICH WAS NICE OF HER. I'D RATHER HAVE MY FRIEND THAN THE COMPUTER, BUT THE COMPUTER DISTRACTS ME FROM MISSING HER TOO BAD, WHAT WITH ALL THE THINGS I CAN DO. IT DOESN'T EAT ALL THE MIX WHEN WE PLAY BRIDGE TOGETHER WHICH IS NICE. THAT SENTENCE WAS A JOKE TO HELP ME MOVE ON. LAUGHTER IS A SALVE.

I CONTACT YOU TO HAVE WINDOWS INSTALLED ON HER COMPUTER. SOPHIE'S DAUGHTER TOLD ME THE COMPUTER IS READY TO GO, AND IT WORKS FOR THE THINGS I LIKE TO DO WITH IT LIKE TYPING AND CORRESPONDENCE WITH OTHERS. UNFORTUNATELY I HAVE MANY QUESTIONS AND WOULD UTILIZE THE ANSWERS TO ENHANCE MY COMPUTER EXPERIENCE. I CALLED THE MAN AT THE COMPUTER STORE FOR HELP SETTING UP A WEBCAMERA FOR MY PICKLE CHEESE BASKETS. HE ASKED IF THE COMPUTER HAS WINDOWS WHICH IT DOES NOT. THERE ARE VENTS ON THE BACK BUT HE SAID THOSE DON'T COUNT AS WINDOWS. I WOULD NEED WINDOWS FOR HIM TO HELP ME.

PLEASE HELP ME BY ANSWERING THE FOLLOWING QUESTIONS SO I CAN CALL THE MAN BACK:

1) EXPLAIN PLEASE HOW THIS IS DONE WITHOUT HARMING THE COMPUTER BOX?

2) WHAT ARE THE SMALLEST WINDOWS YOU CAN INSTALL? I WOULD LIKE THEM TO BE SMALL ENOUGH TO NOT BE A NUISSANCE BUT BIG ENOUGH FOR ME TO ENJOY VIEWS THROUGH THEM.

3) WHAT ARE WE LOOKING AT FOR PRICE? I AM ON A FIXED INCOME AND NEED TO SPEND NOT MUCH.

4) WILL A MAN COME TO ME FOR INSTALLATION? A MAN BETWEEN 35 AND 50 WOULD BE THE MOST INTERESTING TO ME AS I AM NOT MARRIED.

5) CAN YOU ALSO DO HOUSE WINDOWS? A CHURCH FRIEND OF MINE HAS A DARK WINE CELLAR AND I WOULD LIKE TO GIFT HER WITH ONE IN IT.

THANK YOU.

MISS FAIRWELL

I Need Some Welding Assistance, Please.

Today I was very frightened by some things I saw when I was outside. First off, a man with a badge on his arm came to my door to give me what he called "mail". I did not trust him, as I have known my mail carrier for 7 years now, and this man was taller than the one that I'm used to. He handed me a stack of envelopes, and while they look like my regularly expected bills and adverts, I cannot verify with all certainty that they are not forgeries. I have a magnifying glass with which to look at them closer, but since I am not an expert, I decided to take them to the crime lab.

I got in the car to deliver them, but the key would not fit in the ignition. Although I live alone, it seemed someone had switched the keys on my keychain to replace my car key with my wine cabinet key. The car would not be started by a wine cabinet key, and so their sabotage was for a moment successful. I then caught the problem and was able to find the proper key for the car, just two keys away from the wine key.

On my way to the crime lab, a woman on a bicycle jumped her bicycle up onto and over my hood and cab of the car. This startled me quite a bit, and as I looked in the rear view mirror, she was pretending to be hurt on the ground behind me, but I could not be fooled. Still, I was becoming shakier by the minute.

I stopped at Walgreens to pick out a sausage, pickle, egg and cheese basket for my grandnephew's baptism, and while perusing the aisles, I saw some scuba gear on display for the summer. The sight of the scuba gear gave me quite a stir, as I am not accustomed to the underwaters or people who are familiar with these types of frightening masks. (I could not find the sausage pickle egg and cheese basket.)

I never did make it to the crime lab, either, because while I was driving I discovered that someone had moved the sidewalk into the middle of the street. So once I hit that bench with the ad for the Alderman on it, I was too tired to figure it all out. I walked the rest of the way home and immediately called a nice welding man to come over promptly and weld my doors shut.

I have posted the phone call on this blog. You can play it on the player below. I'm sorry the quality is crackly. The phone must have sensed my anxiety.

Press play on the player below to hear the phone call.

A phone call from today

I tape all of my phone conversations, because I don't trust anyone, and to ensure proper customer service is had by all. Below is a transcript of my telecommunications with a lovely gentleman from this afternoon. (Unfortunately, since my recorder was on the fritz during this phone call, I had to write it all out in Gregg Shorthand as we spoke.)

JARED

B&B Carpets, this is Jared. How can I help you.

MADGE

Yes, hello, Jared. Do you deal with carpets there?

JARED

Yes.

MADGE

I was wondering, can you get gum out of carpet.

JARED

Uh, yes ma'am, we can do that.

MADGE

Okay, good. And if it's several pieces of gum, you can do that, too?

JARED

That shouldn't be a problem, we deal with pretty much any stain or substance that might get caught into carpet, uh-huh.

MADGE

Okay, there's like 8 pieces of gum in the carpet. Is that okay? I have a God-daughter who is going through a bit of a gum phase right now. So you don't have any problem with that? With her bad habit?

JARED

I suppose if the gum is ground in there real-- how long has the gum been in there?

MADGE

Three weeks.

JARED

Yeah, that's not going to be a problem. I doubt the gum would have had time to really stain it, and we can pretty much take all the goo out of there.

MADGE

So you have no problem with it?

JARED

No.

MADGE

With my granddaughter's habit?

JARED

No.

MADGE

I think it's excessive. Her mother should control that.

JARED

That may be. Would you like us to come out there.

MADGE

Do I need to vacuum first?

JARED

No ma'am, we'll take care of that.

MADGE

Because there's a lot of dust and paper and some mothballs and sandwich crumbs and salad leaves and things all alike and akin to what I'm saying now. So that's not a problem.

JARED

No ma'am, we'll vacuum it and--

MADGE

How much do you charge?

JARED

How large is your carpet?

MADGE

Not that big. Just the size of my living room and half of the kitchen.

JARED

What are the dimensions?

MADGE

No larger than a barn loft. Possibly a lot smaller.

JARED

Do you know the square footage?

MADGE

It's rectangular in shape and size and I certainly wouldn't be able to walk more than 27 or 28 paces in it long-wise. Not even close to 27 or 28 paces I would say with some certainty.

JARED

... okay ... Maybe like 12 by 20?

MADGE

Sure. Let's call it a deal.

JARED

Well, we'll have to see when we get there, but a 12 by 20 room, depending on what all features you want with the cleaning would be anywhere from $125 to $700. Are you just looking for a basic wash?

MADGE

Sure.

JARED

That'd be about $125.

MADGE

Okay, that sounds reasonable. And I assume that's per piece of gum and scrap of wood and tinsel and if there are any pennies or watermelon seeds as well?

JARED

No no no, we just charge you for the whole carpet. We don't charge the way you're asking.

MADGE

So you're saying you will only charge me per hole in the carpet?

JARED

No, I said "whole" carpet, as in "the entire carpet".

MADGE

Right. It has gum all ground up. That God-daughter of mine is going to be the next Typhoid Mary, don' t you tink?

JARED

I'm not--

MADGE

Okay, so you'll just charge me for the gum, not any of the lumber bits or condiment drippings or blood.

JARED

We will take care of the entire carpet. I can't guarantee you over the phone how it will look. That depends on the carpet. But somebody who comes out there will be able to give you a rough estimate.

MADGE

Okay, but over the phone you can tell me that it will be at least $125 per gum incident, possibly more.

JARED

No. Ma'am, it will not cost that much.

MADGE

I'm very satisfied with your responses.

JARED

Thank you.

MADGE

I feel you have been helpful and thorough, and I trust you to clean my carpet.

JARED

Alright, well thank you for your trust. Let me just get your information and we'll schedule a time--

MADGE

And, Jared, tell me, and be honest: Do you get gum out of hair, too?

JARED

No, ma'am.

MADGE

I'm going to have to call you back later then. First things first. Can you transfer me to a barber, please?

JARED

This is a carpet cleaning place. I don't know any barbers.

MADGE

You never got a haircut?

JARED

Of course I do, what does that--

MADGE

Transfer me to him, then.

EPILOGUE

He continued to refuse to connect me with his barber, I became adamant and belligerent, and it ended with me giving his manager a very unfavorable review of our conversation. Now I'll be sleeping in gum again tonight, thanks to that kid. (My bed is piled with things that I cannot get under, so I'm sleeping on the gum floor, hence my due interest in cleaning it.)

The Furnace Has Hold of My Hand Again

This is the third time and it's getting ridiculous now. Every few months I attempt without results to remove the wire whisk that is stuck in the furnace from when the daughter of a church friend placed it there. Each time, my hand becomes stuck and I end up shouting through the floorboards to the landlord below to call the paramedic to rescue me as a shiny knight of metal armor upon a horse with sticks and other things of which to pry me out would do. This time was of particular worriment, as I had recently became very cold in a latent menopausal tremor and had switched the furnace from vacation mode to home again mode, causing a roaring blaze which is usually something to celebrate by but this time was a nuissance only.

My forearm became lodged slightly off right and below of the flame, so the searing was not too bad. I can say that at least it was not lodged directly center and above the flame. On the positive, most of the hair on that arm no longer grows anyway, following a fishing boat accident from about 30-40 years past. So not too bad. ... But I do need that whisk, as it has now been 8 months since I have had scrambled eggs for breakfast, and I have long since tired of all the other egg varieties.

I have asked the church friend's daughter for proper remuneration for which I am owed allowance upon top, but she is four and just sort of laughs or cries, dependent on whether she is feeling malicious or guilty at the moment I ask. I would never go to the mother on this one. I do not believe that the sins of the father are placed on the head of the son, nor do I believe that the mischieveries of the daughters are placed on the backs of the mothers to replace those lacks of items which have deprived the eggs from me.

The fireman was nice about it and has offered to cheer me up by taking me to the deli for a pickle and fish sandwich, and that's where I will go now.

-- Madge

Ode to My Dead Acquaintance, Sophie

Sorry to begin with sad news, but an acquaintance of mine, Sophie, died last week from breathing a little too fast. She was a dear acquaintance who I had known on-and-off in a casual , not-sure-what-she's-up to way since 1992. On a lighter note, it's good it happened when it did and not 10 seconds later, because I was about to beat her at Gin-Rummi when it looked all along like she was going to beat me. So she went out on a high note, which is nice.

I have kept her laptop which she had with her in a bag that day. She might have wanted it this way, and I'd like to think that when she's looking down on me from heaven she is perhaps satisfied that I have it. A neighbor showed me how to plug it in and unplug it to start and stop it, and then she showed me how to get to the blogs and said I had to start one so all would know what I'm up to when they don't hear from me for awhile.

I won't go into the particulars of my past experiences and adventures at the moment, because it's a rich history that runs deep and backwards throughout the time of the last decades, so for now I'll concentrate on the day-to-day happenings, as this will update the people that I meet so as not to worry whenceforth.

Today was an entirely appropriate day for the most part. I went to the early service at church and spoke with the Downing girl about bracelets and trinkets and necklaces and rope and twine and other things with which to tie things onto other things. She's a lovely girl and with a little hope and luck and prayer, she won't have to worry about all that back hair plague anymore.

By the time I got to to the snack table it had been all cleaned off which was a minor disappointment as I had only eaten half of my fruit and nut bowl at my house in the a.m. in anticipation of the goodies that often abound awaiting on the welcome hour table. I went to grab a table at the cafe across the street from the church, but they did not allow to smoke within its innards so I ordered a pickle, sausage and cheese basket sandwich to go and took it to a park wherein I ate my food order and smoked just one or two of the Pall Mall's I had left over from last week.

Well, that's about all for now, I have a stew in the kettle that's whistling it's readiness now, so I must tend to it. So take care until we speak again, and be very careful of oncoming vehicles and streetcrossings when crossing the street.

Alright honey, bye bye.

-- Madge