A phone call from today

I tape all of my phone conversations, because I don't trust anyone, and to ensure proper customer service is had by all. Below is a transcript of my telecommunications with a lovely gentleman from this afternoon. (Unfortunately, since my recorder was on the fritz during this phone call, I had to write it all out in Gregg Shorthand as we spoke.)

JARED

B&B Carpets, this is Jared. How can I help you.

MADGE

Yes, hello, Jared. Do you deal with carpets there?

JARED

Yes.

MADGE

I was wondering, can you get gum out of carpet.

JARED

Uh, yes ma'am, we can do that.

MADGE

Okay, good. And if it's several pieces of gum, you can do that, too?

JARED

That shouldn't be a problem, we deal with pretty much any stain or substance that might get caught into carpet, uh-huh.

MADGE

Okay, there's like 8 pieces of gum in the carpet. Is that okay? I have a God-daughter who is going through a bit of a gum phase right now. So you don't have any problem with that? With her bad habit?

JARED

I suppose if the gum is ground in there real-- how long has the gum been in there?

MADGE

Three weeks.

JARED

Yeah, that's not going to be a problem. I doubt the gum would have had time to really stain it, and we can pretty much take all the goo out of there.

MADGE

So you have no problem with it?

JARED

No.

MADGE

With my granddaughter's habit?

JARED

No.

MADGE

I think it's excessive. Her mother should control that.

JARED

That may be. Would you like us to come out there.

MADGE

Do I need to vacuum first?

JARED

No ma'am, we'll take care of that.

MADGE

Because there's a lot of dust and paper and some mothballs and sandwich crumbs and salad leaves and things all alike and akin to what I'm saying now. So that's not a problem.

JARED

No ma'am, we'll vacuum it and--

MADGE

How much do you charge?

JARED

How large is your carpet?

MADGE

Not that big. Just the size of my living room and half of the kitchen.

JARED

What are the dimensions?

MADGE

No larger than a barn loft. Possibly a lot smaller.

JARED

Do you know the square footage?

MADGE

It's rectangular in shape and size and I certainly wouldn't be able to walk more than 27 or 28 paces in it long-wise. Not even close to 27 or 28 paces I would say with some certainty.

JARED

... okay ... Maybe like 12 by 20?

MADGE

Sure. Let's call it a deal.

JARED

Well, we'll have to see when we get there, but a 12 by 20 room, depending on what all features you want with the cleaning would be anywhere from $125 to $700. Are you just looking for a basic wash?

MADGE

Sure.

JARED

That'd be about $125.

MADGE

Okay, that sounds reasonable. And I assume that's per piece of gum and scrap of wood and tinsel and if there are any pennies or watermelon seeds as well?

JARED

No no no, we just charge you for the whole carpet. We don't charge the way you're asking.

MADGE

So you're saying you will only charge me per hole in the carpet?

JARED

No, I said "whole" carpet, as in "the entire carpet".

MADGE

Right. It has gum all ground up. That God-daughter of mine is going to be the next Typhoid Mary, don' t you tink?

JARED

I'm not--

MADGE

Okay, so you'll just charge me for the gum, not any of the lumber bits or condiment drippings or blood.

JARED

We will take care of the entire carpet. I can't guarantee you over the phone how it will look. That depends on the carpet. But somebody who comes out there will be able to give you a rough estimate.

MADGE

Okay, but over the phone you can tell me that it will be at least $125 per gum incident, possibly more.

JARED

No. Ma'am, it will not cost that much.

MADGE

I'm very satisfied with your responses.

JARED

Thank you.

MADGE

I feel you have been helpful and thorough, and I trust you to clean my carpet.

JARED

Alright, well thank you for your trust. Let me just get your information and we'll schedule a time--

MADGE

And, Jared, tell me, and be honest: Do you get gum out of hair, too?

JARED

No, ma'am.

MADGE

I'm going to have to call you back later then. First things first. Can you transfer me to a barber, please?

JARED

This is a carpet cleaning place. I don't know any barbers.

MADGE

You never got a haircut?

JARED

Of course I do, what does that--

MADGE

Transfer me to him, then.

EPILOGUE

He continued to refuse to connect me with his barber, I became adamant and belligerent, and it ended with me giving his manager a very unfavorable review of our conversation. Now I'll be sleeping in gum again tonight, thanks to that kid. (My bed is piled with things that I cannot get under, so I'm sleeping on the gum floor, hence my due interest in cleaning it.)