I Am Going to Die...

...Some day. Don’t worry everyone, I feel perfectly good (although my shoes are a bit tight) but when you get to be 84, you realize that you only have another good 30 or 40 years left. And that gives you great pause, in which time you think of many things like

• Did I live a good life?
• Can dogs be trusted?
• Who’s that man? I haven’t seen him in the neighborhood before.

So I thought that maybe perhaps it was time to start thinking about funeral planning and to share those thoughts with acquaintances since 4 decades can really sneak up on you.

Size:
I would like to have a big funeral where everybody is sad that I’m dead and there are lots of acquaintances curious to see what my body looks like one more time.

Shrine:
I insist that there be a shrine of all the pictures of me that weren’t clawed up in the bear attack that took my life. Should that be all how of which it goes down. Candles should be burned liberally and constantly for three days, but kept a respectable distance from the photographs, except the metal ones, in which case, heating them is fine.

The Viewing:
There will be a whole silver motif going on. My casket must be silver or wood coated with silver laminate. I will lowered into it, dressed in a silver sequined suit. Silver tears must be painted on my eyes and I would like some face painting done as well—perhaps a squirrel or a rainbow balloon. I don’t know how it would be worked, but I would like people to be able to rotate my head at their own will, perhaps with a system of pulleys or something, so that they can see the back of my head and how nicely shaped it is. I will get my hair done up in a fashion that does not negate the natural angles of the back of my head.

Minister:
I would like a minister of every faith and sect just to make sure I’m good to go. They can take turns leading the service. They can either switch off section by section, sentence by sentence, or word by word or just have them speak all at once. Any aforablementioned option is good with me, provided that the speaking part not run longer than 4 hours.

Readings:
A poem must be read that will sound deep and cause any sort of confusion.

Desserts:
There will be a cake with roses on top, tastefully done up. No spiders please.

Flower girl:
She must be a 6-year-old Asian girl in a pink dress (I will provide the sewing pattern and material), and I would like her to weigh 52 pounds, although I am flexible on that last part.

Groom:
Between the ages of 35-50.

Circumcision:
N/A

Cremation:
I would then like to be set ablaze with a cigarette in my mouth for comic effect to remind people that I believed in humor and also that I smoked.

Cost:
I would like to spend no more than $26 Canadian.